My first wife

How did we meet? It's none of your business, but okay. Well it was a day like most days, I guess. I decided to sit in the back of the bus next to Steve Jammer and the popular kids. When I sat, I could see Steve had the floor and of course, all the other kids were laughing (as usual). Now, I didn’t know what Steve said, but I laughed my hardest so Steve could see that I liked his joke the best. Well, Steve saw me laughing and he sat next to me while all the other kids watched. He said, “Hey, George. Why don’t you hold your tongue and say, My dad works on a pirate ship.” Oh, I knew it was a lie! My dad had been a Librarian his whole life! But I played along. I was nervous, I was a kid, I had attention for the first time in my life and hey, it was Steve Jammer for crying out loud, you know?

So, I did it. I hold my tongue and go, “My dad works on a…”

I end up saying, “My dad works on a pile of shit!” Which, is not true at all and is even more humiliating and ridiculous than him working on a pirate ship! I was tricked. Duped. Played. The back of the bus erupted in laughter as Steve slapped fives with all his fans. I was still a fan so I five'd him too, but after all the excitement, all I could think about was how I was going to salvage my old man’s image. When my stop came, I walked off the bus with my head down when I felt a tap on the shoulder. It was Jenny MacDonald. She said, “Pile of shit, huh? Your dad sounds pretty cool.” She invited me to her house for dinner that night before I could tell her the truth about the old man. We ate leftover spaghetti. That’s the day I met my future wife, Jenny’s sister Barbara. You happy now?

Craigslist friends

Guys, I met a friend on Craigslist who needs help cashing checks. If anyone is good at this sort of thing, let me know. I just want him to be happy.

Our chat from earlier:
me: let's make some money
Andrew: okay...so how will gonna do that
me: I don't know, all I have to do is cash checks, right? That's so easy.
Andrew: okay...if thats cool then we can make money together
Sent at 3:35 PM on Tuesday
me: I have a girlfriend and I want to buy her a ring so I can marry her.
I neeeeed that money!
Andrew: okay...wait until thursday when the check will be delivered to you
me: Okay, I'll ask her Friday then. Man, I thought I'd never find a good job.
Oh, and dude... you're in the wedding for sure.
You there? Man, I was in jail for a few years
Finally got out
this is my first job back!
Andrew: okay
okay no problem
me: Thanks for believing in me. My dad wouldn't even give me a job, you believe that? My own f & b.
Andrew: cool
me: I was hoping that we had a company softball team. I'd like to get back in shape and I'm really good at catching pop flies.
do we?
Andrew: got to go now
me: wait, i had a question about the check!
Andrew: whats that about the check??/
me: it's in us dollars, right? because if it's in euro i dont think i can cash it. my bank doesn't realize that they're worth MORE than us dollars right now, haha!
Andrew: Yes...US Dollars
and i believe you will be able to cash it same day
me: cool, i'm going to tell my girlfriend that I got a job, it's a for sure yes on Friday. Dude, don't even worry about travel for the wedding, I got you.
Sent at 3:42 PM on Tuesday
Andrew: need to go now
email me if you have any more questions okay
me: cool, i'll just email you if i have more questions
Andrew: okay
Sent at 3:44 PM on Tuesday
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